Deciding not to be married anymore to your spouse is a big decision. Various signs could be making it possible for you to take this decision. Such as different life goals, losing respect, living a bachelor life, having no sex, having a physical or emotional affair, unresolved issues, not understanding triggers, not listening to your spouse, making decisions without your spouse, substance or domestic abuse, lying and so on. Try out marriage counseling if you aren’t able to reconcile your differences.
Going into a marriage with your partner, you expect it to last decades, basically til death do us apart! But what if, just years, months, or even days into marriage, you feel like you’re stuck in a lift with no way out, and if you don’t do anything, everything will crumble.
This overwhelming feeling of thinking you don’t want to be married anymore slowly creeps into one’s life. All the signs are always there, but they stay ignored for a long time.
Then one day, you feel you don’t want to be married anymore!
16 signs you don’t want to be married anymore
Nobody wakes up one day and realizes they don’t want to stay in their marriage.
It’s one significant reason or a bunch of reasons that build up gradually and reach a point where you suddenly get triggered and think about ending it.
Blurting out to your partner about it isn’t a sensible option.
You’ll end up hurting them and yourself when you can’t even explain the reason behind it to them.
These reasons or warning signs are always present, and it’s just you might have swept them under the carpet to not deal with them. But looking at them can help you discover if your marriage is over for good or if there’s still scope.
1. Having different life goals
Each person has some life goals and expectations, things they wish to achieve.
Some people know these goals exactly, and they might still ignore and go into a marriage; others might not even be aware of it to begin with.
Married couples should discuss their goals before avoiding any future conflicts.
Having similar goals which can sustain your marriage and your future together as a family is what you need. While it’s right to grow as an individual, your goals shouldn’t hurt your marriage or spouse.
2. Not able to leave the bachelor’s life
Marriage doesn’t mean you should be involved in each other’s life at all times, but it also doesn’t mean you go to a bar without letting your partner know.
Hanging out with other people and with each other is a sign of a healthy marriage and a delicate balance you want to maintain.
You’re not alone or single anymore to make your decisions without letting your partner know about them. If you’ve been doing this a lot lately, it’s a sign that you don’t wish to be in a committed marriage.
3. Losing respect
I think respect is one of the essential pillars of marriage. If you can’t respect your partner, you tend not to value anything about them, be it their career or opinion.
This creates differences that are difficult to reconcile.
4. No sex
Not everyone might be sexually driven, but sex does hold a lot of importance in married life.
It keeps things exciting, helps you remain intimate, keeps the romance alive, and establishes your trust further in each other.
If you’re both healthy adults going weeks without sex can create issues in your blissful married life.
5. Physical or emotional affair
Having a physical affair is a major sign.
It’s also an issue even if you find yourself thinking about having a possible affair or constantly imagining yourself with other people.
Not just physical, but there’s a term known as an emotional affair.
If you find yourself seeking comfort, confiding yourself in someone else outside your marriage, even though there’s nothing physical about it, you’re practically driving yourself away from your marriage.
6. Unresolved issues
Having fights with your partner is normal. Everyone faces ups and downs in their married life but leaving those issues unresolved will create distance in your marriage.
If you tend to resolve the issue right away, but your partner doesn’t even want to discuss it, are different approaches that need a compromise from you both.
Discussing issues and trying not to repeat them or discuss how to handle them better in the future is always better than doing nothing about it.
7. Not understanding triggers
You like your home tidy, but your partner functions better when things are a bit messy.
What triggers one might not trigger the other person, and sometimes these triggers change during the marriage.
Learning about them and finding a common middle ground is vital to avoid conflict in a happy marriage.
8. Listening to your spouse
Whether your partner is a talker or not, listening to them and vice versa is as essential as communication in a marriage. When we don’t feel heard, we aren’t being understood either.
Sometimes we don’t want solutions to our problems but want to vent or feel understood.
Your spouse might fail to understand the difference between them.
9. Spouse or roommate
Your spouse isn’t your roommate. Some marriages continue because neither one feels anything is out of place.
If you live in separate bedrooms, don’t spend any time together at home or outside, and have no conversations regarding your future, you’re probably living as roommates.
In such cases, even imagining them with someone else won’t put you in pain or discomfort.
10. Making decisions
Including your spouse in decisions is part and parcel of married life. Be it deciding to have kids, investing money, switching jobs, or other major life decisions.
When you make these big life decisions without including your partner or consulting them about it, that’s a possible sign that your married life is in trouble.
Making adjustments with your spouse is much needed.
Neither of you can always have things go your way, but finding a middle ground and a common zone is what’s required to avoid conflict.
You have to work on your marriage constantly. Sometimes it can be very easygoing, but other times you’ll really need to pull through the difficult times to get to the next good phase of your married life.
12. Marriage counseling
Just when individuals go through mental health issues or a low phase in life where they need professional help, similarly do couples.
Problems can be so deep-rooted that you’ll find it impossible to find and solve them. In such cases, professional therapists come to the rescue.
Don’t ever feel ashamed to get help this way if it can save your marriage. The important thing is that your partner needs to be on board with you, even if it requires therapy.
13. Advice from close ones
You and your spouse must have an inner circle of people you trust with your inner happenings, be it your friends or family.
Sometimes we’re so blinded by other stuff to realize our contribution is bigger than our spouse in the issue. It’s this thing that your inner circle can be impartial about and advise you.
Not every piece of advice is good, and not everyone can give constructive advice. But if you trust someone who has helped you in your life before marriage, then you can consider taking their advice.
14. Substance or domestic abuse
Neither of these factors is considered a green flag. Put your dignity and self-respect higher during these times.
With substance abuse, you can still find professional help for your spouse if they’re willing to turn around their life. But if you’re in an abusive marriage, getting out is only fitting.
15. Importance of mental health
If you suffer from mental health issues or have suddenly started suffering from them, then cooperation from your partner is much needed. At times, your spouse needs to be more patient with you to keep this marriage going.
But if there hasn’t been any effort from your partner whatsoever, or you feel drained whenever you’re with them, that could be a sign of a failed partnership.
Lying to your spouse about reaching home from the office in 10 minutes when it’ll take 30 minutes it’s not that big of a deal.
But if you start lying to them about big decisions in your life or hide things that can impact both you and your marriage, then there’ll be trouble in paradise.
Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married?
Taking divorce is still easier when you don’t have children. But when you do, most couples take a step back and decide to compromise and stay in an unhappy marriage.
Children can see and realize how their parents are in a compromised, unhappy marriage sooner than later. This can affect them psychologically in various ways that parents don’t even realize.
A Princeton University study found that children of parents in unhappy marriages were far less likely to experience divorce themselves if their parents divorced.
What to do when your marriage is over, but you can’t leave?
Different kinds of couples experience different issues, so it’ll be challenging to say that one thing someone can do in a marriage that’s over.
If you can stay best friends with your spouse and be happy, you can think about spending your life with them in this way.
If you’re that unhappy and can’t take a divorce, it’s best to seek a couple’s therapist. They can help you identify and overcome the issues and make your situation better for you.
What is a toxic marriage?
A toxic marriage can include all the harmful traits. If your marriage affects you in ways that take a mental and physical toll on you and issues stay unresolved, that’s a toxic marriage.
It can stem from various issues like physical abuse, cheating, lying, substance abuse, desertion, and many other problems that might cause such discomfort.
When should you give up on marriage?
If you’ve tried everything from taking advice from your close ones, working on issues yourself with your spouse, and taking couple’s therapy, none of it has helped. And it’s causing you mental or physical discomfort and taking a toll on you as an individual with no solution in sight.
When there are unreconcilable differences between you and your spouse, then it’s right to think about ending the marriage.
Getting married to someone sometimes feel like a garden of roses where everything is pleasant and easygoing. Other times it might feel like climbing up a hill with a heavy backpack.
Marriage requires work, adjustments, understanding, loyalty, and communication. When issues arise, both of you should be willing to work on them together and make it work.
Every couple’s situation is different but seeking a marriage therapist is a great option. It can make you realize if you can still work things out or if are you headed for a divorce!